the fury within

*warning: this blog contains some vivid language and descriptions of my past. while they are reality, they aren't for the faint of heart. read with caution*
raging hormones, full moon, emotional pull of memories long gone......escalate into the chaotic madness and fury within. the struggle between who i used to be and who i long to be.
pardon me while i bear my soul for a moment and give you a lil bit of background.
it wasn't all that long ago, say a mere 18 months ago that i was what you may consider a cyber whore. i could wrap guys around my lil finger and have them eating out of the palm of my hand in no time. and i loved it. i loved the fact that they couldn't wait to talk to me again, couldn't wait to "play" again (i often referred to the adult chat site that i frequented as my "playground"). but i always justified it in my mind that is was only cyber, that no one was really getting hurt...until that line was crossed.
a lil over a year ago, i had an affair with a married man.
it wasn't planned by either of us....he was driving past the area and wanted to meet up for dinner. we'd met for a meal a few months prior and had a great time. he was a perfect gentleman and we had a wonderful conversation. this time was to be no different. we laughed and reminisced and chatted until the restaurant closed.
we weren't quite ready to end the conversation, so we went back to the hotel. neither of us were expecting anything more than a cup of coffee and a good conversation.....but something happened. the change was subtle, seductive, unexpected. the heat of the moment. the entire night, there was a thought in the back of my head that i shouldn't be here, but the combination of the pain and pleasure far outweighed my conscience.
a wake up call for me....but short lived.
just a couple months after the affair, i was back in my glory online, finding new guys to play with. one of my favorite playmates had made a comment to me that he wished he could have his very own private island where he could have all his sluts together and called me his "head slut," implying i would have access to him anytime i so desired.
talk about a slap in the face with a wet trout!
i finally woke up and realized i wanted more than just to be someone's head slut. that i had been created for more than that! God's dreams for me truly are bigger than what's standing in front of me now!
so this past year i've been trying to define and live up to what i've truly been created to be.
and the promise i have in the future pales in comparison to the glorious luster of the fool's gold of the past.
but i still have my moments of weakness. like this week. i've actually missed the attention i used to get as a whore....i was almost "mourning" the fact that i couldn't go back. trying to paint my pictures of egypt....to the point of almost making a phone call, begging to be used.
but i realized that no matter who i called, it wouldn't just be a cyber/phone quickie...i would have to reduce myself to whore status in my mind, and that's simply unacceptable.
i'm meant to live for soo much more....why even think of going back to that prison? confining myself to someone else's definition of who i should and shouldn't be? i've come too far to go back into that crap.

*edit 5/28/05* i survived the week, by the grace of god, and a few dear friends praying in the shadows for me....thank you!
i'm not out of the woods yet, but i've got my game face back on, and am fighting relentlessly. i am a confident, self-controlled woman who is free to be me and worthy of the best!
and i refuse to settle for anything less than the best in all aspects of my life.