ugly pity party
will it ever end?
will i ever stop missing being a whore?
will i ever stop craving to be used?
why do i spend half the night crying over the raw intensity and faux intimacy i miss so much? i know it isn't the best for me. especially now.
why can't i just move on?
do i fear moving on means completely relinquishing the sweet pain? the intensity?
why do i keep seeking love, affection, and acceptance from guys?
why can't i simply accept and rest in the love you have for me, abba?
will i ever be able to love myself as you do?
will i ever be able to view sex and intimacy without the whore and abusive filters that have been ingrained into me?
will i ever see it as a true expression of love, rather than my duty as a worthless whore?
posted by Quirkafiably Quirkified @ 6/23/2005 02:40:00 AM
2 Comments:
Hi Sarah, I don't know anything about your past and that's ok. I just want you to know that I am here and praying for you. ((big hugs))
looks like D knows what she's talking about, here here, amen. I am here backing you both up with prayers ((hugs to you both))
Shell :o)
this blog was sparked by a question posed wednesday night during our we buld people class on love, sex, and lasting relationships.
one guy stated that he thought sex was a natural expression of a love for which there are no words. (not the exact quote, but you get the idea...loving someone so deeply there are no words to express it, so he thought sex would be the way to express it)
it was a slap in the face. i realized that i have never once in my life ever related sex to love. I realized how deep this crap has been ingrained into who i am and how i interact in this thing called life.
i spent the night processing this. frustrated with myself that part of me still wants to go back, that i haven't made more progress than i already have. frustrated that i want true freedom, want a healthy marriage someday down the road, yet i have no clue how to begin to reprogram my brain and accept the truth.
yes solomom, you're right. i am torturing myself. but i'm not enjoying it, nor do i want to continue it.
true, i don't believe i'm worthy of being loved, because i've screwed it up too many times.
however, i know that little girl who's innocence was stolen from her is worthy of the very best. she's precious. she's pure. she's lovable.
i want to keep fighting for her.
i need help to continue fighting for me.
i've tasted, i've seen. i want more.
i have to get out of the groove.
please help.
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