from shackles to ball and chain?

first off, let me preface this blog with an important warning:
this blog is not intended for innocent eyes or the faint of heart. adult content included. please proceed with caution.

this weekend, i had the incredible priviledge of watching two of my friends join together in marriage. a beautifully joyous occassion indeed. watching the two of them all day further solidified in my heart how very perfect they are for each other. then i was reminded of a conversation i had with another friend earlier in the week. she reminisced about one of her friends who'd gotten married about a year ago.....how she'd invested so much of her time and energy into planning the wedding, only to be bawling with a look of "it's all over" on her face as she was walking down the aisle with her husband.
unfortunately, she's not the only bride who's felt this way. far too many couples spend all their time planning the wedding, yet never take a moment to even consider planning for their marriage.
yet i've been observing my friends who tied the knot saturday...they had wedding affairs and plans to attend to, but it wasn't the priority for them....they spent their relationship, their energy into preparing and planning for their marriage. and it exuded from every facet of the wedding and reception.

it made me stop and think about how much i truly desired that intensely real deep relationship myself.....to find a mate who would sharpen and encourage me as i would him.
then the breath was sucked from me as i realized my actions as of late had done nothing but betray and cripple any chance of that happening. oh yeah, the knife is in deep, and i just keep twisting it harder.

for at the beginning of this month, just four short weeks before witnessing this joyous event, i found myself in shackles.
literally. iron shackles. and manacles. and a collar to boot.....i'll stop there. as i'm sure you get the picture.
the sad thing is, this is the same man i had a one night stand with not even two years prior. the one who became a catalyst in me finally dealing with some of my scars and actually healing (after having to lose much as a consequence for my poor choice).
yet i went back. *sigh*

now here comes the really screwed up part about it (i can see people running for the hills already, which is to be expected). while i do immensely regret being with a married man once again, i don't regret experiencing what i experienced that weekend. i craved the pain. i reveled in the torture. i savored the humiliation (granted the humiliation was extremely mild....i know even i, as depraved as i can get at times, could never enjoy true humiliation as projected and expected in BDSM circles....lol i'm too opinionated and quirky for that :P). and i want more. to the point i've been seeking out a local Dom to use me.

this bizarre craving for pain is something i've wrestled with dad over for some time. i keep fearing that if i relinquish this craving, i'll turn into some uber prude and will have to settle for a vanilla life. lol even now as i type that, i can't help but chuckle.....because i know the life i've been called to is far from vanilla. yet i still cling to this faux adventurous lifestyle, which isn't really adventurous. just dangerous, and ultimately deadly.