how far is too far?

i'm having a hard time wrapping my pea brain around this one....anyone else out there relate?

the diet's begun. you've been oh soo good. then you discover the bag of oreos in the back of the pantry. you think about it, but dismiss the thought, closing the pantry door. for the first few days, everytime you open that pantry door, those oreos are staring at you, beckoning you. after a bad day at work, you open the pantry to figure out what's for supper, and you see the oreos. "oh i'll just have one quick before supper....it won't hurt," you rationalize.
next thing you know, 5 oreos are gone. you throw your hands up in exhasperation and declare you're diet is officially ruined!!! but it's ok, you'll pick it up again next week. but it doesnt' stop there. you've already had 5 oreos, since you've already fallen off the wagon and won't start again til next week, you might as well off the entire bag!
and so you do, gain a couple of pounds, and feel like crap.

what? you've never blown a diet? good for you (and lemme know your secret, eh? :P) how about this lil scenerio: you're up late one night, doing some "research" online. bored, or perhaps frustrated with lack of progress, you find yourself takin a lil break in a chatroom. now you know which rooms are "bad," so you avoid them. yet the conversations seem rather dull. then someone catches your eye, you exchange a few whimsically intelligent comments. at last, a break from the boredom! sure, you can discuss politics and weather, and the crappy assignment you're working on, but soon, the door is cracked just a lil bit. a few compliments later, you realize you're flirting. but it's harmless, it's just a nice way to pass away the time, you try to justify. soon the compliments turn into sexual innuendos and advances. you may resist once or twice, but eventually give in. oh crap! so much for maintaining purity and integrity! i've fallen this far, i might as well get something out of it......and so the conversation crosses the line into the depths of sexual perversion (well always perverted and extreme in my case, anyhow). you obtain release, but feel like utter crap afterwards.

why do i have this all or nothing mentality?? why is it that when i realize i'm in a compromizing situation, i don't slam on the brakes and run the other way?? why do i always opt for the self destruct mode?? if you're gonna blow it, you might as well blow it big.....where's the friggin logic in that??

is there anyone out there who can relate??

ugly pity party

will it ever end?
will i ever stop missing being a whore?
will i ever stop craving to be used?
why do i spend half the night crying over the raw intensity and faux intimacy i miss so much? i know it isn't the best for me. especially now.
why can't i just move on?
do i fear moving on means completely relinquishing the sweet pain? the intensity?
why do i keep seeking love, affection, and acceptance from guys?
why can't i simply accept and rest in the love you have for me, abba?
will i ever be able to love myself as you do?
will i ever be able to view sex and intimacy without the whore and abusive filters that have been ingrained into me?
will i ever see it as a true expression of love, rather than my duty as a worthless whore?

Help!

you are the one; there's no one else
who lifts me up
and gives me water from the well
but there's a hole
that seems to drain it all away
and once again i'm left in fear and doubt
when all my strength is crying out
so here i am again
willing to be opened up and broken
like a flower in the rain
tell me what have i to do
to die and then be raised
to reach beyond the pain
like a flower in the rain
the evil wind, it blows a storm
to rock my world
just when i think i'm safe and warm
i'm led astray far too easily
it's always hard for me to say i'm wrong
until i know i can't go on
lord, you have searched me
and know when i sleep and when i rise
you're familiar with all my ways
even the darkness will shine like the day
when you look into my heart
so here i am again
willing to be opened up and broken
like a flower in the rain
tell me what have i to do
to die and then be raised
to reach beyond the pain
like a flower in the rain

why do i go on these binges? why do i continue to struggle on my own? trying to do everything my way?! in my own strength?
i can't keep this up. it will kill me.
HELP!!!!!!
help me to trust you, abba!! help me to rely on you!
help me to realize and admit it is OK to need help! to ask others for help!

the midst of the storm.

"I'm afraid," he confessed as Maven stood with him in the place where his quest would begin.
"Of what?" Maven asked in a calming voice.
"For this journey. Have I learned all I need to know?" Ayden queried.
"Ayden," he replied, "you know all you need to learn."
"What should I take with me?" Ayden continued.
"Leave all you have and take all you are."
Ayden persisted, "And the path, is it safe to travel?"
Maven looked at him sternly for the first time he could remember and scolded him, "It is not safe to remain! It is not the place but the Presence that upholds you! This is your only certainty. Go! Walk where no man has walked, yet you find footprints."
~Entry 707/ The Perils of Ayden

thursday evening found me driving across a couple county lines, as it normally does. but this past thursday was different. as i merged onto the highway, i could see the black clouds on the horizon, speckled with the occasional flash of lightning. the summer thunderstorms predicted were indeed on their way. and i was driving right into them.
i caught myself with a lil cheshire cat grin painted on my face. how i do enjoy a good thunderstorm! and i knew i'd have an excellent seat for this show. i rolled the windows down, had my hand out, riding the air, feeling the shift in temperature as i approached the storm.
the first few drops of cool rain felt oh so refreshing, inviting. then it came down faster, harder, with small pieces of hail stinking my skin. i smiled as i drove further....the rain was so heavy at one point you couldn't see five feet in front of you. lightning threatening to bolt down right onto the highway, feeling the ground beneath you tremble in the thunder's fury. a couple of cracks scared me, but the exhileration from being in the midst of the storm far outweighed any fear.

how fitting a picture for my life right now. i see the storm clouds looming, hearing the rumble of the thunder in the distance....yet i hesitate. i ask all the questions ayden did....have i learned all i need to know? am i really prepared for this journey?....basically just dragging my heels, while the adventure and journey beckons me still.

Creation groans for all to be set right. The earth roars in violence-disrupting what is to make room for what is to come.
Only after everything is shaken can it find its rightful place.
Its movement destroys, divides, and defines.
Even the mountains tremble.
Yet there is a kingdom that remains.
~Maven, The Perils of Ayden

perhaps it's time for all comfortable familiarity to be shaken. i'm becoming too complacent, yet my soul cries out for the edge, the middle of the storm.

peas and carrots.

"From that day on, we was always together. Jenny and me was like peas and carrots." ~Forrest Gump
When i first viewed this film and heard this particular line, i couldn't help but smile. for i had my very own peas and carrots relationship.
Stephen and i met even before we started school. our mom's were best friends (and still are to this day). Stephen and i were pretty much inseparable. i recall countless hours spent in his room, the walks home from school, at coffee shops (the rare moments we both had money) just talking. about anything, from weather, to sports, to why our dad's just didn't understand us. then of course was our common passion. music. he's a brilliantly talented musician, and made the oboe sound absolutely divine. band trips with him were always a blast.
but there was something different about our relationship. never once did either of us even consider engaging in a romantic relationship. though many assumed there was something more going on, or kept trying to encourage something else (heheh even my sis used to say she wished i'd marry him), we was nothin more than peas and carrots. just a pure, real friendship. i always treated him as my older brother, and he as his sister. and i so appreciated and savored that relationship.
after college, we went our seperate ways, but i was introduced to a whole new band of brothers at bible college. i so appreciated being able to pour my heart out with these guys and just enjoy their company, and hearing what god was doing in and through them.....being able to dream big with them. so very refreshing.

and i miss it. i miss having a big brother in my life. i miss being able to duel and sharpen each other. i miss that other fresh perspective. i miss just being able to encourage each other through a crappy week.
i wanna be just peas and carrots again.

*gets off her soap box and kicks it back into the corner*

my heart longs for you

this ache within my soul
refuses to rest
this god-shaped hole deep inside of me
i've tried to suppress
with all the temporary trappings
the shiny sparkle of fool's gold
they only leave me broken breathless
naked in the bitter cold
and in the dust of this rubbled ruin
the truth revealed, crystal clear
my heart is yearning quivering craving
pining breaking desperately aching
my heart longs for you
daddy my heart longs for you.

*edit 6/10/05* last night i was challenged to not only long and yearn after my creator, but to envision that the one who created me is longing even more desperately to know me.
out of this challenge, a second verse was born: dad's response to my plea. take it as you will.

it breaks my heart to see
what you're going through
watching as you struggle on your own
it tears me in two
you only wanted your own freedom
but now you're bound in all these chains
i wish that you would let me help you
heal your heart and ease your pain
and when the dust and the lies all scatter
the truth is clear: i'm still here
and my heart is yearning desperately aching
craving pining passionately breaking
my heart longs for you
dear child my heart longs for you

find me.

i've been struggling for a while with the idea of moving. not so much moving, but change in general. this song's been in my heart and thoughts for a while.

i'm gonna move on down to elliston
let my hair grow wild and free
rent a second story studio
find the other side of me.

i'm gonna sit out on the edge of the fire escape
feel a little destitute
search for the feelings that will help me remember
the love that i have for you

find me, find me
i'll wait for you
find me, fine me
i'll wait for you

i'm gonna give away my stereo
give away my t.v.
i'm going back to essentials, a chair and a lamp
and the book that you wrote to me

you see, i'm looking for the you that used to speak so clear
i'm looking for the me that had a heart to hear
and i'm looking for the passion that help me here
on the edge

find me, find me
i'll wait for you

you see, i'm looking for the me i used to know
i'm looking for the love that was out of control
'cause i feel a little cold here in the afterglow

find me, find me
i'll wait for you

i remember hearing this song when it first came out and thinking how cool it'd be to be able to do that....just get alone with god...no distractions, no interruptions, just an environment to cultivate a relationship with my creator.
funny thing, ever since my fiance and i separated (going on 3 years now), god's been drawing me into that type of environment, and i've been fighting it tooth and nail.
not only that, but i'd create distractions and interruptions so i wouldn't have to hear his calling....to dull the ache that lingers deep in my soul.
the tv wasn't an issue, seeing as i couldn't afford cable and there wasn't anything good on anyhow.
the computer, however, has been my vice. i would come up with excuses as to why i needed my computer....ie to keep in touch with my parents on opposite ends of the country, to do research for work that i can't do at work, to blog...blah blah blah.
then my computer blows up. what do i do? rush to get it fixed, of course....dropping more money into it than it's worth. it works fine for a couple of months, but when i use it again to keep "busy," it crashes again. it's like dad's just sitting there patiently, waiting for me to realize i don't need this as badly as i thought....that in reality it's only hindering the growth and intimacy that i truly long for.
i'm slowly wising up to this. and think it's past time i make some choices that are long overdue.
it's time to find my second story studio, and not move the distractions into it.
just me and abba. a safe haven (without reminders of the past) to cultivate the relationship i've craved, and to learn what it means to be a true princess.