Rewind.

So I recently rediscovered this blog I had started years ago.  After reading it's content, all I can do is shake my head and say wow.  I remember that girl...so desperately yearning to reconnect with her abba, but so frustrated with herself for continuing to crave to the temporary trappings of this world.  The bible mentions dad would prefer us be hot or cold instead of lukewarm (revelations, I believe?), and so I decided I didn't want to be lukewarm, and if I couldn't be hot, then I'd just be cold.  And so, the prodigal daughter makes a complete 180 again and squanders her inheritance.  

Funny thing though, even in the midst of my rebellion, the father still patiently waited for me to come to my senses.  Though I was still too stubborn for subtle wooing, he had my attention pretty quick when a sudden illness induced renal failure. It's amazing how playtime just seems pointless when faced with morbidity.  Since then, I've been assessing my life and realizing what changes need to be made to bring me back to the point of childlike faith and growth.  Some were easy, while others I'm still wrestling with because it directly involves relationships in my life that I know aren't the healthiest for me, but they are people I do care about and don't want to hurt.  The writing's on the wall and it's clear what i need to do.  I just pray I have to strength and grace to follow through.

So this quirky princess once again reclaims her palace of quirks.  Sweeping out the cobwebs and negative tapes, learning to grow in the grace and freedom that's been so richly given.  I don't know if anyone will even read any of this, but welcome to my journey.  If you have anything to contribute along the way, please feel free to share.

at a loss for words...

i'm at a loss for words, there's nothing to say
i sit in silence wondering what led me to this place
how did my heart become so lifeless and cold
where did the passion go?

when all my efforts seem like chasing wind
i've used up all my strength and there's nothing left to give
i've lost the feeling and I'm down to the core
i can't fake it anymore.

here i am at the end i'm in need of resurrection
only you can take this empty shell and raise it from the dead
what i've lost to the world what seems far beyond redemption
you can take the pieces in your hand and make me whole again, again

you speak and all creation falls to its knees
you raise your hand and calm the waves of the raging sea
you have a way of turning winter to spring
make something beautiful out of all this suffering

here i am once again i'm in need of resurrection
only you can take this empty shell and raise it from the dead
what i've lost to the world what seems far beyond redemption
you can take the pieces in your hand and make me whole again, again

you have a way of turning winter to spring
make something beautiful out of all this suffering...

from shackles to ball and chain?

first off, let me preface this blog with an important warning:
this blog is not intended for innocent eyes or the faint of heart. adult content included. please proceed with caution.

this weekend, i had the incredible priviledge of watching two of my friends join together in marriage. a beautifully joyous occassion indeed. watching the two of them all day further solidified in my heart how very perfect they are for each other. then i was reminded of a conversation i had with another friend earlier in the week. she reminisced about one of her friends who'd gotten married about a year ago.....how she'd invested so much of her time and energy into planning the wedding, only to be bawling with a look of "it's all over" on her face as she was walking down the aisle with her husband.
unfortunately, she's not the only bride who's felt this way. far too many couples spend all their time planning the wedding, yet never take a moment to even consider planning for their marriage.
yet i've been observing my friends who tied the knot saturday...they had wedding affairs and plans to attend to, but it wasn't the priority for them....they spent their relationship, their energy into preparing and planning for their marriage. and it exuded from every facet of the wedding and reception.

it made me stop and think about how much i truly desired that intensely real deep relationship myself.....to find a mate who would sharpen and encourage me as i would him.
then the breath was sucked from me as i realized my actions as of late had done nothing but betray and cripple any chance of that happening. oh yeah, the knife is in deep, and i just keep twisting it harder.

for at the beginning of this month, just four short weeks before witnessing this joyous event, i found myself in shackles.
literally. iron shackles. and manacles. and a collar to boot.....i'll stop there. as i'm sure you get the picture.
the sad thing is, this is the same man i had a one night stand with not even two years prior. the one who became a catalyst in me finally dealing with some of my scars and actually healing (after having to lose much as a consequence for my poor choice).
yet i went back. *sigh*

now here comes the really screwed up part about it (i can see people running for the hills already, which is to be expected). while i do immensely regret being with a married man once again, i don't regret experiencing what i experienced that weekend. i craved the pain. i reveled in the torture. i savored the humiliation (granted the humiliation was extremely mild....i know even i, as depraved as i can get at times, could never enjoy true humiliation as projected and expected in BDSM circles....lol i'm too opinionated and quirky for that :P). and i want more. to the point i've been seeking out a local Dom to use me.

this bizarre craving for pain is something i've wrestled with dad over for some time. i keep fearing that if i relinquish this craving, i'll turn into some uber prude and will have to settle for a vanilla life. lol even now as i type that, i can't help but chuckle.....because i know the life i've been called to is far from vanilla. yet i still cling to this faux adventurous lifestyle, which isn't really adventurous. just dangerous, and ultimately deadly.

sunset.

as long as i can remember, i've always enjoyed sunsets. watching creation yawn in front of you is rather...captivating.
one of the few things on my agenda while on vacation this week was to savor a minnesota sunset. i had the opportunity to do so thursday evening.
i pulled up a chair (the ground was a lil too muddy for me to comfortably enjoy the view), and as i settled in to take in the view, i picked up my bible and started thumbing through it. Lamentations came to mind and i was taken aback as i read this:

"i'll never forget the trouble, the utter lostness,
the taste of ashes, the poison i've swallowed,
i remember it all-oh, how well i remember-
the feeling of hitting the bottom.
but there's one other thing i remember,
and remembering, i keep a grip on hope:

god's loyal love couldn't have run out,
his merciful love couldn't have dried up.
they're created new every morning.
how great you faithfulness!
i'm sticking with god (i say it over and over),
he's all i've got left.

god proves to be good to the man who passionately waits,
to the woman who diligently seeks.
it's a good thing to quietly hope,
quietly hope for help from god.
it's a good thing when you'r young
to stick it out through the hard times.

when life is heavy and hard to take,
go off by yourself. enter the silence.
bow in prayer. don't ask questions:
wait for hope to appear.
don't run from trouble. take it full-face.
the "worst" is never the worst.

why? because the master won't ever
walk out and fail to return.
if he works severely, he also works tenderly.
his stockpiles of love are immense.
he takes no pleasure in making life hard,
in throwing roadblocks in the way"

it was such a breath of fresh air to me.
no matter how grim things look around me, it could always be worse. just the reminder of no matter what crap i might be dealing with...dad's love out trumps all of that. every time. every time.

how very humbling. and wonderfully reassuring.

who am i?

i have the priviledge of working with alzheimer patients. today is no exception. this morning, while many of our residents were in the lounge watching reverend schuller, one resident asked to hear some religious music in the living room. so i tuned the radio to a local christian station, which had a live broadcast of a local church service on. just about the time i tuned in, they started the special music selection before the pastor was to deliver his sermon.
i froze for a moment.
now i've always enjoyed this song, and its meaning, but today, it pierced deep.

who am i that the lord of all the earth
would care to know my name
would care to feel my hurt
who am i that the bright and morning star
would choose to light the way
for my ever wandering heart
not because of who i am
but because of what you've done
not because of what i've done
but because of who you are
i am a flower quickly fading
here today and gone tomorrow
a wave tossed in the ocean
a vapor in the wind
still you hear me when i'm calling
lord you catch me when i'm falling
and you've told me who i am
i am yours. i am yours.
who am i, that the eyes that see my sin
could look on me with love and watch me rise again
who am i, that the voice that calmed the sea
would call out through the rain
and calm the storm in me
not because of who i am
but because of what you've done
not because of what i've done
but because of who you are
i am a flower quickly fading
here today and gone tomorrow
a wave tossed in the ocean
a vapor in the wind
still you hear me when i'm calling
lord you catch me when i'm falling
and you've told me who i am
i am yours. i am yours.

what an amazing thought. nothing i've done. nothing i can do. nothing i can obtain. no requirements to receive his love. he loves me. his daughter. no ands, ifs, or buts. no strings attached. no fine print. no conditions.
thank you abba for your love. i still don't fully understand it or grasp it, but i am grateful for it. please continue to soften my heart when i get too full of myself. help me to rest in you.
i love you.
your ever quirky princess.

27 years.

27 years. trying to do it on my own. trying to prove to god, to others, i can do it my way. i can make it happen. without their help. as i thumbed my nose at them.

for what? floundering in the stream as the current sweeps me toward the waterfall?

i've tried it on my own time and time again, without success. i once heard insanity defined as doing the exact same thing over and over again, expecting different results.

ENOUGH!

this past week i reached the 27 landmark. usually i'd see it as just another day, but this time, a still small thought permeated my thoughts: it's a new day. a new year. it's time for a new start.

i've been chewing over that thought, digesting it. i keep saying i wanna change, i keep making these grand plans of how things will be peachy once i've got it all together.
now here's a new thought....what if i simply put my money where my mouth is and backed up my talk?
*gasp* shocking. transforming. revolutionary, even.
and about darn time.

labels.

bleeding heart liberal. right wing conservative. mushy moderate. pro choice. pro life. evangelical. catholic. mormon. fundamentalist. muslim. jihadist. jock. blonde. yuppy. preppy. virgin. blue collar. white collar. executive. redneck. roughneck. and on and on the list goes.

labels. with each term listed above, a certain image comes to mind. like it or not, we all stereotype and associate a certain set of characteristics with each of the labels. and automatically assume those characteristics apply to everyone who is branded with said label.
and it pisses me off.
very few things piss me off, but i absolutely despise being labeled. being forced to fit someone else's cookie cutter mold of who they think i should be.
i don't believe dad used molds when he created us. i believe he's given each of us unique characteristics and giftings and talents. i don't believe we were intended to be herded like cattle into one category or another.

so why is there this underlying need to categorize everyone? why are we as a society to quick to assign everyone a label?

please understand this blog is not an attack against anyone, but rather a springboard for discussion. i seriously welcome all comments and would appreciate hearing your feedback and perspective on this subject. thanks in advance.
~Q

how far is too far?

i'm having a hard time wrapping my pea brain around this one....anyone else out there relate?

the diet's begun. you've been oh soo good. then you discover the bag of oreos in the back of the pantry. you think about it, but dismiss the thought, closing the pantry door. for the first few days, everytime you open that pantry door, those oreos are staring at you, beckoning you. after a bad day at work, you open the pantry to figure out what's for supper, and you see the oreos. "oh i'll just have one quick before supper....it won't hurt," you rationalize.
next thing you know, 5 oreos are gone. you throw your hands up in exhasperation and declare you're diet is officially ruined!!! but it's ok, you'll pick it up again next week. but it doesnt' stop there. you've already had 5 oreos, since you've already fallen off the wagon and won't start again til next week, you might as well off the entire bag!
and so you do, gain a couple of pounds, and feel like crap.

what? you've never blown a diet? good for you (and lemme know your secret, eh? :P) how about this lil scenerio: you're up late one night, doing some "research" online. bored, or perhaps frustrated with lack of progress, you find yourself takin a lil break in a chatroom. now you know which rooms are "bad," so you avoid them. yet the conversations seem rather dull. then someone catches your eye, you exchange a few whimsically intelligent comments. at last, a break from the boredom! sure, you can discuss politics and weather, and the crappy assignment you're working on, but soon, the door is cracked just a lil bit. a few compliments later, you realize you're flirting. but it's harmless, it's just a nice way to pass away the time, you try to justify. soon the compliments turn into sexual innuendos and advances. you may resist once or twice, but eventually give in. oh crap! so much for maintaining purity and integrity! i've fallen this far, i might as well get something out of it......and so the conversation crosses the line into the depths of sexual perversion (well always perverted and extreme in my case, anyhow). you obtain release, but feel like utter crap afterwards.

why do i have this all or nothing mentality?? why is it that when i realize i'm in a compromizing situation, i don't slam on the brakes and run the other way?? why do i always opt for the self destruct mode?? if you're gonna blow it, you might as well blow it big.....where's the friggin logic in that??

is there anyone out there who can relate??

ugly pity party

will it ever end?
will i ever stop missing being a whore?
will i ever stop craving to be used?
why do i spend half the night crying over the raw intensity and faux intimacy i miss so much? i know it isn't the best for me. especially now.
why can't i just move on?
do i fear moving on means completely relinquishing the sweet pain? the intensity?
why do i keep seeking love, affection, and acceptance from guys?
why can't i simply accept and rest in the love you have for me, abba?
will i ever be able to love myself as you do?
will i ever be able to view sex and intimacy without the whore and abusive filters that have been ingrained into me?
will i ever see it as a true expression of love, rather than my duty as a worthless whore?

Help!

you are the one; there's no one else
who lifts me up
and gives me water from the well
but there's a hole
that seems to drain it all away
and once again i'm left in fear and doubt
when all my strength is crying out
so here i am again
willing to be opened up and broken
like a flower in the rain
tell me what have i to do
to die and then be raised
to reach beyond the pain
like a flower in the rain
the evil wind, it blows a storm
to rock my world
just when i think i'm safe and warm
i'm led astray far too easily
it's always hard for me to say i'm wrong
until i know i can't go on
lord, you have searched me
and know when i sleep and when i rise
you're familiar with all my ways
even the darkness will shine like the day
when you look into my heart
so here i am again
willing to be opened up and broken
like a flower in the rain
tell me what have i to do
to die and then be raised
to reach beyond the pain
like a flower in the rain

why do i go on these binges? why do i continue to struggle on my own? trying to do everything my way?! in my own strength?
i can't keep this up. it will kill me.
HELP!!!!!!
help me to trust you, abba!! help me to rely on you!
help me to realize and admit it is OK to need help! to ask others for help!